Thursday, December 22, 2005
DUDE LOOKS LIKE A BUTCH DYKE
Dot here. I’m blogging from the Lazarius compound down in the Ozarks. Not a whole lot to do down here. I’ve been down here for a couple weeks of R and R.
Dot Lazarius is a simple dyke so my packing list for the trip was pretty straight forward (or should I say “queerforward” people?):
Human Rights Campaign long sleeved t-shirt
Camo hunting jacket
Extra pair of Wranglers (DL keeps her denim old school, people)
My .22
Strap on
Squirrel bait
Beaver bait - hey, that’s DL herself. Am I right people?
DL was shooting squirrel yesterday with her dad and uncles and also hoping to trap a beaver. But both bushy-tailed creatures proved too wily. The squirrel shoot is a tradition with the Lazarius men and the Lazarius Butch Dykes--namely, me! I love shooting squirrel and am quite the markswoman, if I do say so myself. It doesn’t help the squirrel that I once heard one of their kind make a homophobic comment. Just kidding, people, squirrel’s can’t talk. But seriously, people, I love killing squirrels.
So we’re out in the woods--just the Lazarius clan. There isn’t a Butch Dyke in sight--except, of course, for me. Dad Lazarius is talking about how he can’t wait to eat some squirrel. Dot Lazarius is more in the mood for a fur burger. Alas, both Lazariai would go hungry that night. But for a moment there, Dot thought she had a shot.
An interjection, people. It’s tough to be a Butch Dyke who likes Butch Dykes. I could write an encyclopedia on the subject, but suffice it to say it’s a little awkward when both of you come into the bedroom wearing a strap on! Am I right, people?
Dot Lazarius has historically had good luck getting laid in the ‘Zarks. The hunting, natural beauty, and clueless locals tend to attract Butch Dykes. Despite the fact that the place is home to the famous bible outlet store! And hey, Dot Lazarius even once got some there (that’s for another entry, people). But tonight just wasn’t Dot’s night. I went to a couple bars, cruised around in my Toyota Tacoma showing off my bumper stickers: the Human Rights Campaign equal sign, STL-Rams-shaped rainbow flag, and cat-shaped rainbow flag (just incase there was any question as to whether DL likes pussy!)
Just as I was ready to give up and head home to the family cabin and drown my sorrows in Bud Lite and televised bowling, I looked in front of me. There, at the red light, idled a red Dodge Ram. I looked through the back window and saw the most glorious dyke chop I had ever seen, framed by an American flag decal, a gravid gun rack, and--thank the Armenian Orthodox God-- a rainbow flag decal. Score, I thought, this is Dot Lazarius’s lucky day!
I pulled along side my conquest to get a better look. I was not disappointed. She was as butch as they come. DL’s only worry: would she be into femmes, or would she be willing to take a walk on the butch-on-butch side with DL! I winked and gave her a little salute. And the fish were biting people. She smiled and rolled down her window.
“Looking for some action tonight?” She yelled. Wow. This Butch Dyke cut to the chase! Me likey!
“Lemme ask you this,” I responded, “when am I not looking for action?”
She liked that response and told me to follow her to a little motel up the street where she was staying. I’ll tell you people, Dot Lazarius was pretty happy that she was about to get laid, but she had a big (well, actually not all that big) surprise in store.
I really don’t know how to put this people, but I’ll just tell you this. As awkward as it is coming in to the bedroom when you’re both packing a strap on, it’s far more awkward when you’re both packing, but one of you is not wearing a strap on. Get it, people?
Anyway, the dude was cool and we had a good laugh at the misunderstanding. Turns out the guy just likes rainbows! Actually, we discovered we had a lot in common--namely our love of STL sports and STL beer. Instead of banging a gong as planned, we spent the night beering it up and watching ESPN, which is just as good. Hey, wait a minute, no it’s not people!
Dot here. I’m blogging from the Lazarius compound down in the Ozarks. Not a whole lot to do down here. I’ve been down here for a couple weeks of R and R.
Dot Lazarius is a simple dyke so my packing list for the trip was pretty straight forward (or should I say “queerforward” people?):
Human Rights Campaign long sleeved t-shirt
Camo hunting jacket
Extra pair of Wranglers (DL keeps her denim old school, people)
My .22
Strap on
Squirrel bait
Beaver bait - hey, that’s DL herself. Am I right people?
DL was shooting squirrel yesterday with her dad and uncles and also hoping to trap a beaver. But both bushy-tailed creatures proved too wily. The squirrel shoot is a tradition with the Lazarius men and the Lazarius Butch Dykes--namely, me! I love shooting squirrel and am quite the markswoman, if I do say so myself. It doesn’t help the squirrel that I once heard one of their kind make a homophobic comment. Just kidding, people, squirrel’s can’t talk. But seriously, people, I love killing squirrels.
So we’re out in the woods--just the Lazarius clan. There isn’t a Butch Dyke in sight--except, of course, for me. Dad Lazarius is talking about how he can’t wait to eat some squirrel. Dot Lazarius is more in the mood for a fur burger. Alas, both Lazariai would go hungry that night. But for a moment there, Dot thought she had a shot.
An interjection, people. It’s tough to be a Butch Dyke who likes Butch Dykes. I could write an encyclopedia on the subject, but suffice it to say it’s a little awkward when both of you come into the bedroom wearing a strap on! Am I right, people?
Dot Lazarius has historically had good luck getting laid in the ‘Zarks. The hunting, natural beauty, and clueless locals tend to attract Butch Dykes. Despite the fact that the place is home to the famous bible outlet store! And hey, Dot Lazarius even once got some there (that’s for another entry, people). But tonight just wasn’t Dot’s night. I went to a couple bars, cruised around in my Toyota Tacoma showing off my bumper stickers: the Human Rights Campaign equal sign, STL-Rams-shaped rainbow flag, and cat-shaped rainbow flag (just incase there was any question as to whether DL likes pussy!)
Just as I was ready to give up and head home to the family cabin and drown my sorrows in Bud Lite and televised bowling, I looked in front of me. There, at the red light, idled a red Dodge Ram. I looked through the back window and saw the most glorious dyke chop I had ever seen, framed by an American flag decal, a gravid gun rack, and--thank the Armenian Orthodox God-- a rainbow flag decal. Score, I thought, this is Dot Lazarius’s lucky day!
I pulled along side my conquest to get a better look. I was not disappointed. She was as butch as they come. DL’s only worry: would she be into femmes, or would she be willing to take a walk on the butch-on-butch side with DL! I winked and gave her a little salute. And the fish were biting people. She smiled and rolled down her window.
“Looking for some action tonight?” She yelled. Wow. This Butch Dyke cut to the chase! Me likey!
“Lemme ask you this,” I responded, “when am I not looking for action?”
She liked that response and told me to follow her to a little motel up the street where she was staying. I’ll tell you people, Dot Lazarius was pretty happy that she was about to get laid, but she had a big (well, actually not all that big) surprise in store.
I really don’t know how to put this people, but I’ll just tell you this. As awkward as it is coming in to the bedroom when you’re both packing a strap on, it’s far more awkward when you’re both packing, but one of you is not wearing a strap on. Get it, people?
Anyway, the dude was cool and we had a good laugh at the misunderstanding. Turns out the guy just likes rainbows! Actually, we discovered we had a lot in common--namely our love of STL sports and STL beer. Instead of banging a gong as planned, we spent the night beering it up and watching ESPN, which is just as good. Hey, wait a minute, no it’s not people!
# posted by Dot @ 12:53 PM 
